Death Comes To Us All, Queen Etherea
by m.michele
Summary: Based on the Christopher Durang play "Death Comes To Us All, Mary Agnes". Comedy. Alternate Universe.
1. Scene 1

Dear Reader, Thanks for stumbling upon this little story, the result of summer boredom coupled with two of my obsessions: The Venture Bros. and theatre. As I state in the title, this is based on a Christopher Durang play, which I suggest you read someday if you haven't already. This is also based on characters from the [adult swim] show The Venture Bros. (which belongs to Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer). Which, I hope if you've gotten this far, you've seen before. I tend to think of this as kind of an Alternate-Reality thing; a might have been. But a few things are the same; The Monarch still yells everything, and is still wearing his wings (even with his stuffy uniform). Brock still plays everything cool. I'm not sure what else to say...So...here goes!

* * *

Death Comes To Us All, Queen Etherea

Based on a play by Christopher Durang, "Death Comes To Us All, Mary Agnes"

_Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance)_

_***Ginnie**, a maid_

_***The Monarch**, Colonel Gentleman's secretary_

_***Brock**, the butler_

_***Dr. Venture**, son of Jonas Venture and superscientist (a bit of a failure)_

_***Jonas Venture, Jr.**, twin brother of Dr. Venture, an superscientist (a successful one)_

_***Mrs. Quymn**__, wife of Colonel Gentleman, and mother of Tara Gentleman-Quymn_

_***Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn**, a lady-adventurer and a bit of a scientist herself. Beautiful and vain. Ex-wife of Dr. Venture_

_***Nancy Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. A twin._

_***Drew Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. The other twin._

_***Dean**, a delivery boy for Hankco_

_**Queen Etherea**, a woman who claims to be Brock's niece._

_**Hank**, another delivery boy for Hankco_

_(* denotes characters in this sene)_

_Scene 1_

_The Setting is a Victorian drawing room in East Haddam, Vermont. Couch, chairs, and so forth. An oriental rug. A telephone on a telephone stand. After a few beats, the phone rings. Enter Ginnie, a maid._

**Ginnie: **Hello, Colonel Gentleman's residence, East Haddam, Vermont, the scullery maid speaking. No, I'm sorry, Colonel Gentleman cannot come to the phone. He's upstairs dying, Lord have mercy on his soul, and can't be disturbed. Can I take a message? Yes, you could speak to Ms. Quymn, if you like, but she's mad as a hatter, poor dear, and as liable to clip herself to death with scissors as not. Why don't you just give me the message? I am a trusted and beloved servant of many years' distinguished service. I first came to work for Colonel Gentleman in early May of 1982, to serve as a bodyguard for his adventuring stepdaughter, and what adventures they were…

_(Enter The Monarch, secretary, dressed in a suit and tie, etc.)_

**Monarch: **Ginnie, go back to the scullery! I've told you to keep to the kitchen, and that Brock takes care of the living quarters!

**Ginnie:** Well, I don't see that he answered the phone, did he? The way you treat Brock with such kowtowin' and praise you'd think he was the King of England or somethin'…

**Monarch: **Don't waste my time with your petty complaints! Just give me the phone and withdraw to the lower recesses of the house!

**Ginnie:** You can go straight to hell! _(Exits.)_

**Monarch: **_(Into phone) _Hello? This is The Monarch speaking!, Colonel Gentleman's secretary! May I help you? What? You make what? Speak up. Light bulbs? Why are you calling me, selling me light bulbs? Because you're what? Try to enunciate! Hand what? Oh. Handicapped. Oh, I see. Well, sorry, not interested. You should sell your lightbulbs to someone else. And stop stuttering.

_(Hangs up. Brock, the butler enters, smoking, which is what he's doing the entire play.)_

**Brock: **Hey, Monarch, maybe you should prepare Ms. Quymn. Her son-in-law and his brother are here.

**Monarch: **If you mean Dr. Venture and the freak, why don't you say Dr. Venture and the freak? Drop the formality for God's sake.

_(The Monarch exits as Brock continues to smoke. Enter Doctor Venture with his brother, Doctor Jonas Venture, Jr.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: ** _(Trying to be cheerful)_ Oh, Rusty, look—the mansion's the same as it always was!

**Dr. Venture: **_(Dripping with sarcasm) _So few things change.

**Jonas, Jr.: **And there's Brock!

**Brock: ** Hey, Doc, …Doc.

**Dr. Venture: **Brock.

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(Still teasing, trying to be lively, as usual) _You look much older, Brock. How is the colonel? Is he very bad?

**Brock: ** Yeah, we're all just waiting on him to kick it.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Does Ms. Quymn know what's going on?

**Brock: **Ms. Qymn has played crazy so long that she barely has to fake it anymore.

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(A bit upset)_ The colonel hasn't been keeping her in the Tower again, has he?

**Dr. Venture: **Don't fight it. She's better off up there and out of the way, if you ask me.

**Jonas, Jr.: **The colonel has such a cruel streak in him! _(A slightly nervous laugh)_

**Dr. Venture: **_(interrupting)_ That must be where my bitch of an ex-wife gets it from.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Oh, please send for Ms. Quymn from the tower.

**Brock:** Already been done.

**Dr. Venture: **Speaking of my bitch of an ex-wife, has Tara arrived yet?

**Brock: **Not yet, Doc.

**Dr. Venture: **Well, it's not as if I'm exactly looking forward to seeing her after all these years.

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(a poor attempt at comfort) _Well, she is your ex-wife…

_(Enter the Monarch and Ms. Quymn. Ms. Quymn is dressed in silver and black, her hands are bound together at the wrists, her eyes are wild and deeply circled. As she enters, she spits butterscotch pudding all over.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **Why, Ms. Quymn, whatever is the matter?

**Monarch: **_(Calling offscreen)_ Ginnie! _(Holding a dead rat.) _I found her chewing on this when I went up there! _(To Ms. Quymn) _ I've told you, you'll make yourself sick! _(Waves dead rat in Ms. Quymn's face)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **Mr. Monarch, please!

_(Enters Ginnie)_

**Ginnie: **What do you want? _(purposefully ignoring Dr. Venture, speaking only to Jonas, Jr.) _Oh, it's Dr. Venture, Jr… Are your two beautiful nieces here, yet?

**Dr. Venture: **No, they're not! And if you have a question about the girls, you can ask me. I'm their father, you know.

**Jonas, Jr.:** Rusty, please. Control yourself. It was just a question.

**Monarch: **Ginnie, Ms. Quymn has spit something up on the floor. Wipe it up!

**Ginnie: **May your soul rot in hell and the devils cause you unspeakable torment. _(She wipes up the mess.)_

**Monarch: ** There is no hell, aside from the one that will be handed to you by the The Mighty Monarch! _(The others stare briefly, and then continue on with what they were doing.)_ I shall leave you to your memories. Brock, please remove the rat.

_(Brock and the Monarch exit. Ginnie exits as soon as she's finished cleaning up.)_

**Jonas, Jr.:** _(Bringing Ms. Quymn to the sofa) _Ms. Quymn, do you remember me? Well, if you don't I wouldn't be surprised, really. But I'm sure you remember little Rusty Venture? _(Doc Venture, who is standing sulkily in a corner casually rolls his eyes and waves a hand.) _I remember you from before you first feigned madness. It was the summer Rusty and I were eight and we came to visit you and Tara one night while Dad threw a party for all his lady-friends. And the colonel had just gotten the first of his secretaries. Remember? It was Kiki, then, I think. _(Is beginning to go off on a tangent)_ I began to ask myself why I had gotten trapped inside my brother's body, how that could have happened, and if I had only known…for forty years!

**Dr. Venture: **_(cutting in, a little sadly)_ And I said to you, Ms. Quymn, will there ever be anyone in this world who will love me? Love me for what I am, and love me and not pity me? And you looked at me and you said "No," and I asked, "But Ms. Quymn, why?" And you said "Because there never was for me!"

**Jonas, Jr.:** _(Picking right back up) _Do you remember Ms. Quymn? There never was for me!

_(Everyone in the room sheds a tear, even Doc, though he tries to hide it. Well, everyone except for Ms. Quymn, that is, who is wailing and raising her tied hands up and down in a rhythm.)_

**Dr. Venture: **All right, short stuff, that's enough of the memories for today.

_(Enter the Monarch with a large gong, which he strikes three times)_

**Monarch: **May I remind you that we have a dying man in this house? We must have quiet!

_(Enter Brock, still smoking)_

**Brock: **Hey, Doc, your ex-wife's here. If you're gonna wanna avoid her, now'd be the time to leave.

**Doctor Venture: **Yes, I, uh might take a nap. It's uh, been a hard trip! Right, Jonas?

**Jonas, Jr.: **Rusty, I think you should tell her how you feel. Don't be afraid, I'll help you.

**Dr. Venture:** I don't need your help. Besides, there's plenty of time, all I, uh, need is uh,… a hot bath. _(He exits quickly)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **Why is the poor thing so timid?

**Brock: **You were a parasite, sucking the life out of him for the last fortysomething years.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Mind your place, Brock.

_(Enter Ginnie)_

**Ginnie: **They're coming! I saw them! The girls are here! And as beautiful as the day I last saw them last. More so.

**Monarch: ** Get back to the scullery.

**Ginnie: **May eagles tear out your heart and scatter it to the winds.

_(Enter Dr. Tara Gentleman-Quymn Venture, on either side of her her daughters, Nancy and Drew. She is as attractive as ever, but due to a medical condition and seizures, she has no feeling in one of her legs, and must walk with support from others, usually her daughters. Nancy and Drew are almost identical twins, distinguishable only by the freckles on Drew's nose. They, too, are well dressed.)_

**Tara: **I've returned! _(Pause.)_ How nice. The servants have gathered to greet us.

**Ginnie: **You look wonderful, ma'am.

**Tara: **Thank you, Ginnie.

**Brock: **_(apathetic.) _Yeah, you look nice…

**Tara: **Do I really?

**Brock:**…yeah.

**Monarch: **Colonel Gentleman has been expecting you!

**Tara:** One always wants one's children at one's death bed.

**Ginnie: **The girls look wonderful too, ma'am. As beautiful as their mother is stunning.

**Tara: **Thank you, dear. It's the Amazonian sun, I expect. Everyone looks better tanned.

**Jonas, Jr.: ** _(Playfully)_ Hello, sis!

**Tara: **You must be a new entertainment of father's?

**Jonas, Jr.: **I called you "sis".

**Tara: **Did you? Well, I can't be expected to listen to every word people say to me. Girls, help me sit down.

_(Nancy and Drew help her to a chair, then stand by her.)_

**Jonas, Jr.:** I'm your ex-husband, Rusty's, long lost twin brother. Well, I was living inside him, so I'm not sure about "lost"…_(laughs, but dies off, seeing this is not a woman to joke with.)_

**Tara: **I divorced my husband in France many years ago. It was an act of kindess, really because I realized I had not the temperament to live with him, as I _did_ have the temperament to live with girls, my two fine girls, my twin stars. I expect he's still there, unless he drowned at sea or died in a car accident or something. As for your personal appearance, whoever you are, it is sad and depressing. Your entire demeanor is singularly unpleasant. The world is far too full of unfortounate looking people, yourself included, and all of those people should really put forth more of an effort into glittering yourself up to make it easier for us, the naturally beautiful. But I've spent too much time discussing appearance with a complete stranger, and I've ignored my mad mother. How are you, mother? _(Brock brings Ms. Quymn closer to Tara.) _Do you have any lucid moments these days, or is it all mist and haze? Oh, you've dribbled something on your nice mourning frock. That shouldn't be. Mr. Monarch, does the Colonel know that mother is out of the Tower?

**Monarch: **_(Slightly disgusted by her selfishness) _Your father is dying, Mrs. Venture.

**Tara: **That was not the question. The question was why is my mother not up in the Tower where it doesn't matter if she dribbles over the sofa and the carpets? And I am not to be called Mrs. Venture. I refer to myself by my maiden name of Gentleman-Quymn, a name you are quite familiar with, I am sure, Mr. Monarch. After all, you've been under my father for many years now. _(Silence.)_ His service, I mean. _(The Monarch flinches.)_

**Monarch: **Your father wished to greet your mother before I placed her back in the Tower!

**Tara: **I think I've greeted her long enough. Haven't I, mother? You're not going to be lucid, are you? _(No response.) _There, you see? Take her away, Mr. Monarch. And Brock, you might run my bath. My legs always ache at this time of day. And Ginnie? You might bring the girls some tea and graham crackers, you remember how fond Nancy and Drew are of graham crackers.

**Ginnie: **Indeed I do, ma'am. _(She and Brock exit.)_

**Tara: **And, Mr. Monarch, would you relate to my stepfather my wishes for his continued health, and that I shall see him after I take my bath.

**Monarch: **_(Irritated)_Yes Miss Gentleman-Quymn.

**Tara: **_Mrs._ Gentleman-Quymn, _Mr._ Monarch. I have two daughters, you are aware.

**Monarch: **_(Even more irritated, barely restraining himself)_ Yes, Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn.

_(Monarch exits with Ms. Quymn. Nancy and Drew sit on the couch together.)_

**Tara: **Well, children, I expect once the will is revealed, we'll be able to count on a good many more summers in Italy together.

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(Speaking up) _Maybe he'll leave all his money to Rusty.

**Tara: **Children, do you hear an additional voice? _(Nancy and Drew grin at one another, enjoying the joke.) _I hope I'm not losing my grasp like my poor, lamented mother.

**Nancy: **I'm sure you're perfectly sane, mother.

**Tara: **Before I take my bath, we can have a nice talk about art and literateure.

**Jonas, Jr.:** I'm beginning to see what Rusty was talking about…

**Tara: **Tell me, Nancy, about your new idea for a play. And Drew, why don't you sketch me? Mother listening to her daughters.

_(Drew begins to sketch.)_

**Nancy: **I thought of it the other day when Drew and I were sunbathing. The play would deal with a society where men were completely outlawed, except for a few captives eunuchs, who were allowed for servents. But the women would be impregnated by artificial insemination, and so all the women and men would be cut off and seperated, because they were the cause of all evil, all except for one woman who was worshipped by women and men alike as a goddess.

**Drew: **You can pose for the goddess, Mother. We could do it in oils.

**Nancy: **And everyone worships this woman-goddess, and then in the evenings when all the men retire to their various chambers, the woman-goddess would cry herself to sleep because none of the men would touch her.

**Tara: **What would the ending be?

**Nancy: **I haven't one yet.

**Drew:** A bolt of lightening could kill everybody.

**Tara:** It's not one of my favorites. I prefer the ones about the wonderful queen who has to choose between two beautiful princes and she can't make up her mind and so she runs off with both of them and lives happily ever after.

**Nancy:** I never wrote that.

**Tara: **I know. I just did, and I love it.

_(Brock enters.)_

**Brock: **Your bath is ready.

**Tara: **Thank you, Brock. Children, you stay here for tea. Brock will help me to my room. _(Brock helps Tara hobble off to her room.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(Trying to joke again)_ For a second there, I thought I was included in the "children".

**Drew:** You're clearly far too old.

**Jonas, Jr.: ** _(Still trying, God bless him, but irritation starting to show through.) _Oh, so I'm actually going to get talked to, am I?

**Nancy: **It's only Mummy who's good at games. We're much more direct.

**Drew: **_(To Nancy)_ I'm bored already. Do you want to play Pot Luck?

**Nancy: **Why not? There's the phone.

**Drew: **_(Dials)_ Could I have the number of the A&P please?

**Jonas, Jr.: **What's all this?

**Nancy: **Just a game we play. _(Drew dials again)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **Don't you girls think you're a bit old to be making prank phone calls?

**Nancy: **There's no need to wallow in maturity.

**Drew: **Hello, would you send a delivery boy out to the Gentleman-Quymn residence on Crestview Street? Just assorted groceries will do. As much as you like. Thank you. Oh, and tell him to use the front door. Yes, thank you.

**Jonas, Jr.:** It seems a worthless joke to charge things to Colonel Gentleman. He can certainly afford it, but after all, he _is_ your grandfather, and he _is_ dying…

**Nancy: **So are we all, uncle.

**Drew: **So, how's life been? Did you like living inside our father?

**Nancy: **You've grown…ehm…up….passably, I see.

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(Giving civility and flattery one last try)_ Not as pretty as you two, I'm sure.

**Nancy: **Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If most beholders don't take to you, don't blame us.

**Drew:** It's probably your height and stature.

**Jonas, Jr.:** Well, why shouldn't I look a bit on the small side? I spent the majority of my life inside your horrible father, abusing his body with diet pills like he did, until it was litereally uninhabitable. Then he practically gave birth to me, if you can imagine the humiliation of that…

**Nancy: **_(Talking about Jonas, Jr.) _I bet he looked like a drowned cat!

**Drew: **Too small. Kitten.

_(Jonas is at a loss for words, as the girls sit there and giggle. Dr. Venture comes in seamlessly, complaining to himself.)_

**Dr. Venture: **I've read Freud! I know what psychological damage has been done to me. People shouldn't be allowed ot have children until they've passed a test in psychology. Anyone who gets below B-minus should be sterilized. My father should be the one locked up in the tower, not Ms. Quymn. OH WAIT, HE'S DEAD!

**Nancy: **_(To Dr. Venture) _God'll strike you dead if you talk that way.

**Dr. Venture: **God won't, but your mother sure as hell will.

**Drew: **_(To Dr. Venture)_ Look, Father, you're a very neurotic man, and _(turing to Jonas, Jr.)_ _you_ have some biological claim to be our uncle, and we wish we could help you…

**Nancy: **But we can't think of a gosh-darned thing to say so maybe you should go off and complain to each other. After all, if one of you's around the other can't be far away. As the last forty years have proven, as you say yourself.

**Jonas, Jr.:** I can't believe this…this madness… _(He exits.)_

**Dr. Venture: **Oh, no you don't, half-pint. You're not leaving me alone with the twins from the Shining…And besides, I'm not done complaining about our father! _(he exits, also)_

**Nancy:** To describe the everyday procedure of breathing, eating, and sleeping as madness bespeaks a parochial outlook and an alarming failure to grasp reality.

**Drew:** Or an alarming succes.

_(Enters Ginnie with tea and graham crackers.)_

**Ginnie: **Ah, and here's tea for my two beautiful girls.

**Drew: **Ah, and here's Ginnie, and God love her, too.

**Nancy: **We've missed you, Ginnie. We've had many a wet dream over you. _(Nancy gasps and puts a hand over her mouth; both twins dissolve into secret looks and giggling. They know the game they're playing._)

**Ginnie: **Miss Nancy, what can you be thinking of?

**Drew: ** _(winking to Nancy)_ You, Ginnie, and can you blame us?

**Nancy: **Ah, the Lord bless you, Ginnie.

**Drew: ** Better be off with you now _(she openly winks at Ginnie) _lest we can control ourselves no longer.

**Ginnie: **Oh, Miss Drew! Are…are you flirting with me now?

**Nancy: **_(stifling giggles)_ Well, knowing Drew, you better not stick around to find out.

**Ginnie: **Oh, the Lord up in heaven, if this isn't a day. _(she exits, cheerily)_

**Drew: **She's more like a cow than I remembered. _(Door bell rings)_ Oh! Is it Pot Luck already?

**Nancy: **I bet it is. Blonde or dark-haired?

**Drew: **Dark.

**Nancy: **All right, if he's dark-haired, he's yours.

_(Brock enters, to answer the door.)_

**Nancy: **Oh, we'll get it, Brock. We're expecting someone.

**Brock:**....'kay.

_(Brock exits. Drew goes to the door and ushers in a reddish brown haired boy carrying several packages and a notepad.)_

**Drew: **Ah, you've come at last.

**Nancy: **Dark, but kind of red, too. But then, that's Pot Luck. And so handsome…

**Drew: **We haven't eaten since last Tuesday. _(Giggles.)_ What have you brought us?

**Dean: **I don't know. H.E.L. packed it.

**Nancy: **How clever.

**Dean: **Will that be cash or charge?

**Drew: **Charge, of course.

**Dean: **_(Taking out the notepad and beginning to write.) _Well, I'll just fill this out.

**Drew: **_(Puts her hand on the boy's shoulders from behind.)_ What's the hurry? Here, sit down._ (She forces Dean to sit on the couch between them.) _We can talk about life.

**Dean: **_(Nervously)_ I have to get right back…

**Drew: **_(Pushing him back) _Relax…

**Nancy: **_(Laughing)_ You want to buy our uncle? He's a midget. He can do tricks!

**Drew: ** _(Laughing also)_ You know, that might even be true.

**Dean: **Just let me fill out the charge form…

**Drew: **_(Snatching the notepad)_ Hey, calm down.

**Dean:** Wait! That's not even mine! It belongs to the company! I'm representing Hankco!

**Drew: **Maybe if you looked up from your silly notepad for just a second you'd be able to see just what we're saying.

**Dean: **What?

**Drew: **You want to stay with us tonight? We all have a good time. Everybody needs a little friendship. _(She puts her arms around his waist.)_

**Dean: **Let me go! I have a girl back home!

**Nancy: **_(Dropping the playfulness)_ If not friendship, money then. Look at me. _(Dean tries to, but can't quite meet their eyes. He's crying.) _Would you like to make some money? Do you understand me? _(Slow.) _ We……Will……Pay……You.

**Dean: **_(Weeping, crying, sniffling, and generally carrying on.)_ Is this a joke? I…I can't really see….see your faces, so I…I can't tell…

**Drew: **Oh, throw him back in the bay. He's clueless. Pity though…_(Sniffs, turning up her nose to him.)_ Don't call us, we'll call you.

**Nancy: **Obvious latent homosexual. Did you see the way he bolted from the room? With two superb specimens such as us, offering ourselves to him!

**Drew: **I suspect he had acne on his back. _(Goes to a phone, dials.)_ Could I have the number of the Grand Union, please?

_(Blackout)_

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_Thanks for reading! Please review or leave a comment or something...! _


	2. Scene 2

Dear Reader, Thanks for stumbling upon this little story, the result of summer boredom coupled with two of my obsessions: The Venture Bros. and theatre. As I state in the title, this is based on a Christopher Durang play, which I suggest you read someday if you haven't already. This is also based on characters from the [adult swim] show The Venture Bros. (which belongs to Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer). Which, I hope if you've gotten this far, you've seen before. I tend to think of this as kind of an Alternate-Reality thing; a might have been. But a few things are the same; The Monarch still yells everything, and is still wearing his wings (even with his stuffy uniform). Brock still plays everything cool. I'm not sure what else to say...So...here goes!

* * *

Death Comes To Us All, Queen Etherea

Based on a play by Christopher Durang, "Death Comes To Us All, Mary Agnes"

_Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance)_

_**Ginnie**, a maid_

_**The Monarch**, Colonel Gentleman's secretary_

_**Brock**, the butler_

_**Dr. Venture**, son of Jonas Venture and superscientist (a bit of a failure)_

_**Jonas Venture, Jr**., twin brother of Dr. Venture, an superscientist (a successful one)_

_**Mrs. Quymn**__, wife of Colonel Gentleman, and mother of Tara Gentleman-Quymn_

_***Mrs. Gentleman-Quym****n**, a lady-adventurer and a bit of a scientist herself. Beautiful and vain. Ex-wife of Dr. Venture_

_**Nancy Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. A twin._

_**Drew Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. The other twin._

_**Dean**, a delivery boy for Hankco_

_**Queen Etherea**, a woman who claims to be Brock's niece._

**Hank**, another delivery boy for Hankco

_(* denotes characters in this sene)_

_Scene 2_

_Tara's bedroom. Tara is in bathrobe, towel around her head, she's just taken her bath. She's seated, speaking into a tape recorder._

**Tara: **Dear Diary, I have just finished taking my bath and have hobbled to this chair. Sometimes I think that the growing weakness in my legs,ths creeping paralysis, is God's judgement on me. But I won't accept that. I refuse to be judged. And I will enjoy this last part of my life, I will. I hated the first twenty years, my stepfather was such a confusing and unpleasant man. He's dying, by the way, and good riddance. I hope I get most of the money.

New paragraph. I had the hiccups in the car on the way up here. Nancy and Drew were very helpful. We tried holding my breath, and we tried tickling me. Then we had a car accident, and they went away.

New paragraph. With great beauty comes responsibility—to look lovely, to be charming, to wear clothes well. I feel I have met this responsibility all my life, and so have my wonderful daughters, Nancy and Drew. I bought Nancy and Drew matching pink and blue swim trunks today, and watched them swim. I wore a sweet and rather enormous caftan, $750, Neiman Marcus. Nancy said I looked rather like a circus tent, but I feel she was being witty rather than nasty. Ah, how transistory is beauty. Perhaps that should be a new paragraph.

New paragraph. Ah, how trasnsistory is beauty. Here today, gone 40 years later, perhaps, in my case, 50. Nancy and Drew excersise constantly in front of mirrors. I have always loved mirrors because they tell the truth, and I am a great believer in the truth, at least in terms of my own physical beauty. I was the most beautiful young girl who ever lived. I hope you will not think this mere hyperbole: I have made a list of the various men and women who have expressed ecstasy at my beauty over the past many years, and on request I will give the names and addresses of those people, a list that runs on for 300 pages, single-spaced, both sides. Seargent and Mrs. Hatred of Malice; Bud Manstrong, from Gargantua-1, orbiting Earth. Monsieur Jean-Claude Le Tueur, Neuilly-sur-Seine, France, who once tried to recruit me for a modeling company, and later tried to kill me and my darlings. The list goes on and on. Baron Werner Ünderbeit. The albino Pete White and his roomate Billy Quizboy. Even the Phantom Limb. Many, many people.

New Paragraph. Sometimes in the early mornings I feel a sadness. I know that later in the day I will go to the hairdresser, or visit my dying stepfather, or watch Nancy and Drew swim. But nowhere in my day do I experience a kind thought or a shared response or even just a simple gesture of relaxation. And I quietly mourn the fact that I have been cast to play the role I play, that I can't be someone more elevated, more hopeful, even just more human. However, I suppose that one can't have everything. I am very beautiful and charming, and everyone likes me. And I should be glad I'm not a blind person or an Avon representative or just someone who works as a clerk in an insurance company and who dies at the age of 63. And so I stare out sometimes in the morning and relish my fleeting sadness, and then I begin the day.

New paragraph. I fear God won't think I've been a good mother. I fear that his criteria of judgement will be limited, old-fashioned. I fear I will be punished. I fear I will be punished.

_(Blackout.)_

* * *

_Thanks again for reading! Please leave feedback!_


	3. Scene 3

Dear Reader, Thanks for stumbling upon this little story, the result of summer boredom coupled with two of my obsessions: The Venture Bros. and theatre. As I state in the title, this is based on a Christopher Durang play, which I suggest you read someday if you haven't already. This is also based on characters from the [adult swim] show The Venture Bros. (which belongs to Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer). Which, I hope if you've gotten this far, you've seen before. I tend to think of this as kind of an Alternate-Reality thing; a might have been. But a few things are the same; The Monarch still yells everything, and is still wearing his wings (even with his stuffy uniform). Brock still plays everything cool. I'm not sure what else to say...So...here goes!

* * *

Death Comes To Us All, Queen Etherea

Based on a play by Christopher Durang, "Death Comes To Us All, Mary Agnes"

_Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance)_

_***Ginnie**, a maid_

_***The Monarch**, Colonel Gentleman's secretary_

_***Brock**, the butler_

_***Dr. Venture**, son of Jonas Venture and superscientist (a bit of a failure)_

_***Jonas Venture, Jr.**, twin brother of Dr. Venture, an superscientist (a successful one)_

_**Mrs. Quymn**__, wife of Colonel Gentleman, and mother of Tara Gentleman-Quymn_

_**Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn**, a lady-adventurer and a bit of a scientist herself. Beautiful and vain. Ex-wife of Dr. Venture_

_**Nancy Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. A twin._

_**Drew Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. The other twin._

_**Dean**, a delivery boy for Hankco_

_***Queen Etherea**, a woman who claims to be Brock's niece._

**Hank**_, another delivery boy for Hankco_

_(* denotes characters in this sene)_

_Scene 3 __The drawing room. Jonas, Jr. sits reading, a standing lamp by his side. Enter Ginnie; she sits and begins scouring pots she has brought with her._

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(Irritated.) _Ginnie, please. Why aren't you in the kitchen?

**Ginnie: **There are all those goddamned boy scouts in the kitchen. Colonel Gentleman refuses to see them, and they say they won't leave until they give him some plaque or other.

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(Still irritated.)_ I don't know anything about it. _(Tries to read.)_

**Ginnie: **I never saw the point in being a boy scout, when you and all your friends are adventurers…_(She scrubs.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **Ginnie, please. I'm reading.

_(Enter Dr. Venture.)_

**Dr. Venture: **_(He is winded.) _Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you. _(Wheezing laugh; he thinks he's quite clever.) _You're faster than you look, you know.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Rusty, it's been a tiring day. I'm reading.

**Ginnie: **_(Exasperated, throwing her arms up.)_ Oh, God, another scene. You're a very unbalanced man, I told Tara-bear that when she married you! But to be fair I suppose it must be hard to have to live up to your father and in the shadow of your younger brother.

**Dr. Venture: **Excuse me?!

**Jonas, Jr.: **Ginnie, leave the study at once.

**Ginnie: **_(Still yelling at Doc.) _I don't see that you have any girlfriends—or boyfriends. Unless you want to count Tara…OH WAIT! You're divorced, aren't you! _(Huge guffaws as she walks off.)_

**Dr. Venture: **Go to hell.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Rusty, please. Your ex-wife will hear the shouting and come down.

**Dr. Venture: **That would be fine. Maybe you were right, maybe it's about time someone told her off. Oh, stop reading! _(He turns off the light.)_ I feel so upset seeing Tara and the girls after all these years. I've hated them for handing my ass to me on a cardboard platter for so long that it's almost disappointing to find them just incredibly vain instead of superhumanly hateful._ (Jonas, Jr. turns the light back on, Doc immediately turns it back off again.)_ Will you stop that? Last night I had that awful dream again.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Rusty, you work yourself up over nothing. But really you shouldn't be having dreams about eating me anymore, now that we all know what really happened…

**Dr. Venture: **_(Angry.)_ I don't mean that dream! This is the one where I'm back at the compound and I see Tara and the girls out in an amazonian rainforest, caoneing. And rather than feeling angry at her for leaving me, I just feel this terrible longing to be accepted by them, by her. And then I find that I'm dressed in my old clothes again, and I've even got that rediculous pith helmet. And I go out to show Tara (who's a little girl again, at this point, too, I might add, with those twin headaches nowhere to be seen), I realize that I still have a beard. I try to shave it off , but that doesn't work, so I try to scrape it off with a rock, and then to pull it out, but it just won't go away! And she just sits there, laughing at me, and then all three of them steer their canoe towards me and it comes racing forward me to crush me and the canoe hits me on top of the head, and then one of the oars starts to beat me over the head repeatedly, and then I wake up. Trembling. _(Gasps for breath.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: ** What do you want me to say? The oar's a phallic symbol. You should stay away from boating. Don't grow a mustache. _(Continues to try to read.)_

**Dr. Venture: **_(Takes the book and throws it across the room. Speaks with mixed anger and sadness, as if having an epiphany.)_ I feel such anger and unhappiness all the time! When you were born, I thought I was finally saved from all the nightmares and pain, but I wasn't. You've succeeded where I've failed in our father's place, and you don't even like me. What else am I supposed to do? I've been talking to Orpheus and what's their name…the Order of the Triad?...for three years now, four times a week, and I don't feel any change. I feel such a prisoner to my past. And I have such a longing for normality. I see people on the street who eat in cafeterias and have familes and go to parks and who aren't burdened with this terrible bitterness and superscience; and I want to be like them! So much I want to be like them.

**Jonas, Jr.: **No one's going to like you if you throw books, Rusty.

**Dr. Venture: **That has nothing to do with it! I don't think you've even been listening…_(Just gives up on his epiphany entirely.)_

_(Enter Queen Etherea, in a gauzy white dress barely covering the basics. She has a small white crown on her head, and is carrying a small white bag.)_

**Etherea: **_(To Dr. Venture.)_ How do you do? You must have come about my moppets.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Who are you?

**Etherea: **You must be Jonas Venture, Jr. I'm Brock's…um…niece,….Sheila Fantomas. _(Back to Dr. Venture, who seems surprised and pleased that he's being taken more seriously than his brother.)_ There's been a terrible accident, Doctor. My little moppets have been cut into pieces. The pieces are on the bed. My husband says that roving bands of little boys did it, but I don't believe it. I think my husband did it.

**Jonas, Jr.:**_(Intent on knowing more.)_ What are you talking about?

**Etherea: **_(Pats Jonas' head.) _You're probably too sweet to understand. _(To Dr. Venture, who is stifling giggles at this point.) _You see, my husband did it as a cruelty to me. I mean, the sight was quite horrible. Tim-Tom's eyes were gouged out—I found one eye in my bathroom glass, Lord knows where I'll find the other one—and Kevin's stomach was split open and his innards were mixed with some of my canceled checks. It's peculiar. I didn't even cry out, I just said _(Stoically, finger pointing up in the air.)_"My husband did this." _(Smiles.)_ We're very eccentric, you see. _(To Jonas, who is looking miffed.) _Dearie, when Brock comes down, tell him I want to see him. In his room. _(Starts to exit , turns towards Dr. Venture.)_ Oh, yes. Thank you for coming. _(As she starts to leave, Doc's smug grin falters ever so slightly, but he isn't to be discouraged.)_

**Dr. Venture: **Wait. Does Brock know you're here? _(Touches her arm.)_

**Etherea: **_(Violent.)_ Don't clutch at me! I will not be clutched at. I TOLD YOU, NOTHING HAPPENED!

_(She falls and starts having a fit on the ground. Dr. Venture stands on a chair to get out of the way as Brock and Ginnie rush in.)_

**Dr. Venture: **Oh my God. What's happening?

**Brock: **What's she doing here?

**Ginnie: **If it's not one thing,it's another…

**Jonas, Jr.: **What should we do?

**Brock:** Just wait, it'll pass. _(There is silence as all watch Etherea thrash about on the floor, then she subsides. Brock helps her up.) _There. We're going to have to keep a close watch on you.

**Etherea: **Oh, Brock, Tim-Tom and Kevin are dead. My moppets are gone.

**Brock: **_(Awkward comforting Brock mode.) _They've gone to moppet heaven. We have to face these tragedies in life, Sheila, and believe that even though things seem terrible, they aren't really. I mean, if really believed that Doc was going to give me a job someday, I'd be terribly miserable. Because it's been…I dunno how many years now, he's been saying that? Anyways, now, do you feel better? _(Somehow, during the comforting, Dr. Venture has wedged his way in next to her, and has his arm around her shoulder; she makes a face and pushes it off.)_

**Etherea: **Yes.

**Brock: **How did you get here?

**Etherea: **I had one of the Shadowmen bring me over.

**Brock: **Alright. Now, why don't you go back to Hamilton, I'm sure he's worried about you. Ginnie, how about helpin' the girl to the car?

**Etherea: **He shouldn't have killed the moppets…

**Brock: **It was probably an accident. Now, go on along.

**Etherea: **Can't I stay with you tonight? _(She gives him puppydog eyes, and then winks briefly at the Monarch, who happened to be passing through. He looks startled, but no one else notices.)_

**Brock: **Nah, Your husband will miss you.

**Etherea: **All right. _(Takes a deep breath, and is suddenly very cheerful.)_ Goodbye, everyone. _(She and Ginnie exit.)_

**Brock: **_(Pulls out a fresh cigarette; to Jonas.) _She's uh…newly married and is having some trouble adjusting.

**Jonas, Jr.: **I think you handled it very well, Brock.

**Brock: **Thanks.

**Dr. Venture:** I didn't know Brock had a "niece"…yup, the hottest thing to climb Mt. Rusty in years…._(Gets up and struts back to his corner.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **Rusty, I want you to go right up to her and tell her that you hate her.

**Dr. Venture: **Who, Queen Etherea?

**Jonas, Jr.: **No, your wife. Tell her, just so she knows.

**Dr. Venture: **She knows already.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Then why are you afraid to tell her?

**Dr. Venture: **All right, MOM, you're spoiling my evening. We're plagued with boy scouts, you won't listen to MY problems, and then when you have something to say, you expect me to just take it? And then that stone fox shows up…_(Adjusts glasses on his nose.)_ Look, why can't we just be civilized?

**Jonas, Jr.: **I'm just saying, I think it'll be better for everyone if we can just clear the air around here!

_(Enter the Monarch, shaken.)_

**Monarch: **_(Empty.)_ Oh, there you are. I wonder if I might speak to you for a moment.

**Dr. Venture: **I'll leave…_(Is already trying to get out the door inconspicuously.)_

**Monarch: **No, I want to speak to both of you. I've just spoken to Colonel Gentleman. He was in a terrible mood after all those boy scouts, and he told me that he plans to reveal his will tomorrow and that…he intends to leave all his money to Mrs. Venture,-- That is, to Tara, or Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn or whatever she's being called.

**Jonas, Jr.: **He has so much money, surely he's leaving all of us something.

**Monarch: **No, he says he plans to show the injustice of the world through his will and leave it all to that awful woman. And I feel so…so violated…_(He begins to cry, deep sobs.)_

**Dr. Venture: **Excuse me. _(Exits, like the completely untactful guy that he is.)_

**Monarch: **I've worked for Colonel Gentleman for eight years. When he first hired me, I slept with him only because I though he'd eventually leave me some of his money. Not all of it, just some. It was so degrading! I don't even swing that way! Besides, his mouth tasted like a septic tank! But I put up with his demands and perversions. He used to pour egg yolks on me and lick them off. I was disgusted! Egg yolks! I just kept thinking through it all, someday it will pay off, someday I'll be rich, and then my years of bitterness will be answered, and I can start arching full time! And now I find he's planning to die and he has no plans for me at all! None at all! I could have married my dearest love, Lady Au Pair, if it hadn't been for him, and now look! She's calling herself Queen Etherea and is married to that supreme DICK Phantom Limb! Oh, what am I going to do?

**Jonas, Jr.: **Mr. Monarch, you'r asking for sympathy for your own greed. People are responsible for their own actions, Mr. Monarch. You can't blame Colonel Gentleman that you didn't marry Lady Au Pair. Money is so unimportant, Mr. Monarch. It is love and affection that matters. Comfort yourself with that thought.

_(Jonas, Jr. exits. Monarch cries. Blackout.)_


	4. Scene 4

Dear Reader, Thanks for stumbling upon this little story, the result of summer boredom coupled with two of my obsessions: The Venture Bros. and theatre. As I state in the title, this is based on a Christopher Durang play, which I suggest you read someday if you haven't already. This is also based on characters from the [adult swim] show The Venture Bros. (which belongs to Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer). Which, I hope if you've gotten this far, you've seen before. I tend to think of this as kind of an Alternate-Reality thing; a might have been. But a few things are the same; The Monarch still yells everything, and is still wearing his wings (even with his stuffy uniform). Brock still plays everything cool. I'm not sure what else to say...So...here goes!

* * *

Death Comes To Us All, Queen Etherea

Based on a play by Christopher Durang, "Death Comes To Us All, Mary Agnes"

_Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance)_

_***Ginnie**, a maid_

_**The Monarch**, Colonel Gentleman's secretary_

_**Brock**, the butler_

_**Dr. Venture**, son of Jonas Venture and superscientist (a bit of a failure)_

_**Jonas Venture, Jr.**, twin brother of Dr. Venture, an superscientist (a successful one)_

_**Mrs. Quymn**__, wife of Colonel Gentleman, and mother of Tara Gentleman-Quymn_

_***Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn**, a lady-adventurer and a bit of a scientist herself. Beautiful and vain. Ex-wife of Dr. Venture_

_**Nancy Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. A twin._

_**Drew Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. The other twin._

_**Dean**, a delivery boy for Hankco_

_**Queen Etherea**, a woman who claims to be Brock's niece._

**_Hank_**_, another delivery boy for Hankco_

_(* denotes characters in this sene)_

_Scene 4 _

_Tara's bedroom. She is dressed in a fancy negligee._

**Tara: **_(Seated, calling offstage.) _Nancy? Drew? Are you asleep already? Nancy? Drew? Are you there? Oh, dear. Oh, my. Such a long night ahead of me. _(Ginnie enters with Ms. Quymn, whose hands are bound, as per usual.) _Oh! Ginnie! You've brought mother!

**Ginnie: **Just thought you could say goodnight to your dear mother. She needs an outing.

**Tara: **O precious mother. Sit down, both of you. Oh, I'm so glad you've come. Nancy and Drew have already gone to bed, and I've no one to talk to, and I'm so lonely.

**Ginnie:** Well, your mother's here to comfort you.

**Tara: **Is she? _(Clutching her mother.)_ Are you, mother? Are you going to be lucid, mother, and touch my hair and say, "Tara, dahhhhling?" _(Pause.) _Well, I thought not. Oh, mother, do you think Nancy and Drew love me enough, do you?

**Ginnie: **_(Answering for Ms. Quymn.)_ I'm sure they do. They love their mother.

**Tara: ** _(Looking at her mother as if she had been the one to answer.)_ But do they love me enough, that's what I wonder. Oh, it reminds me of my first child, Narcissus.

**Ginnie: **I don't remember you having another child.

**Tara:** _(To her mother.)_ Of course you don't, mother, you're addled.

**Ginnie:** No, I mean, _I_ don't remember you having another child.

**Tara: **Oh, but I did, Ginnie. You can never know. My son, Narcissus, was the most beautiful child I have ever seen in my life. More beautiful than Nancy and Drew, even, though I'd never tell them that. His father was the North Wind and the Gulf Stream, and his skin was like pure alabaster, and his hair was black like ravens' feathers gone to heaven. He was my wonderful child. And every morning, I'd wake my little boy with kisses and I'd say, "Who's the most wonderful son of the most wonderful mother in the world?" And the answer would be Narcissus and Tara. And I remember one day, he came home from nursery schoool and all his jealous playmates followed angrily behind him, envious of his alabaster skin and raven black hair. The children chanted at him cruelly: "Narcissus is a sissy, Narcissus is a sissy." And I went out into our little backyard and I balanced Narcissus on my shoulders and I said, "Narcissus is the most wonderful son in the world, and Tara is the most wonderful mother." We spoke of ourselves in the third person a lot, in those days. _(Pause.)_ Are you listening, mother?

**Ginnie: **Yes, dear, I am.

**Tara: **But then one day, quite suddenly, Narcissus stopped responding fully—he'd beam at my compliments to him, but he wouldn't return them. And one day down in the basement doing our laundry, we played our poem game that went: "Tyger, tyger, burning bright; In the forests of the night; Who's the fairest in the land?" And the answer was always Narcissus and Tara, Tara and Narcissus. But one day, that one day, Narcissus said, "The answer is me. Narcissus. Not Tara. Just me." Well…it is intolerable not to have your love returned in kind, your love should reflect right off another person and engulf you in a warm, glorious glow of light and love. But Narcissus didn't love me anymore. So I picked up a wrench and I hit him over the head, my child; and then I wrapped his once beautiful body in newspapers and I threw him out in the garbage. In the garbage, you understand? Because we all need love, you see. Sigmund used to say to me, "Tara, you're a peculiar woman and I don't like you much, but at least you don't repress your drives. And you deserve love." Ah, Sigmund. He wrote such beautiful waltzes. He was wrong, of couse, I do repress my drives, some of them, but I do deserve love. And I need it. Oh, mother, do you love me? Do you love me, really?

**Ginnie:** Of course I do. You're my daughter.

**Tara: **Oh, what an ingenious response. You're my daughter—as if that were enough to insure love. You're a sweet, uncluttered mind, mother. Thnak you for visiting me tonight in my sorrow. _(She kisses her mother.)_ Ginnie, you can take mother to the tower now. I think I'll be able to sleep.

**Ginnie: **Yes, Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn. Sweet dreams. Come on, now. _(Ginnie and Ms. Quymn exit.)_

**Tara: **_(Reciting a bit, softly, to herself.) _Dear diary, I fear I am not loved enough. I fear it. _ (Calling.)_ Nancy? Drew? Are you there? Are you there?_ (Listens. Blackout.)_

* * *

Please leave feedback! Love you all!


	5. Scene 5

Dear Reader, Thanks for stumbling upon this little story, the result of summer boredom coupled with two of my obsessions: The Venture Bros. and theatre. As I state in the title, this is based on a Christopher Durang play, which I suggest you read someday if you haven't already. This is also based on characters from the [adult swim] show The Venture Bros. (which belongs to Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer). Which, I hope if you've gotten this far, you've seen before. I tend to think of this as kind of an Alternate-Reality thing; a might have been. But a few things are the same; The Monarch still yells everything, and is still wearing his wings (even with his stuffy uniform). Brock still plays everything cool. I'm not sure what else to say...So...here goes!

* * *

Death Comes To Us All, Queen Etherea

Based on a play by Christopher Durang, "Death Comes To Us All, Mary Agnes"

_Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance)_

_***Ginnie**, a maid_

_**The Monarch**, Colonel Gentleman's secretary_

_***Brock**, the butler_

_***Dr. Venture**, son of Jonas Venture and superscientist (a bit of a failure)_

_***Jonas Venture, Jr.**, twin brother of Dr. Venture, an superscientist (a successful one)_

_**Mrs. Quymn**__, wife of Colonel Gentleman, and mother of Tara Gentleman-Quymn_

_***Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn**, a lady-adventurer and a bit of a scientist herself. Beautiful and vain. Ex-wife of Dr. Venture_

_***Nancy Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. A twin._

_***Drew Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. The other twin._

_**Dean**, a delivery boy for Hankco_

_**Queen Etherea**, a woman who claims to be Brock's niece._

***Hank**_, another delivery boy for Hankco_

_(* denotes characters in this sene)_

_Scene 5_

_Drawing room of the mansion again. Enter Brock._

**Brock: **So the night passes, and the day comes, and with it, the sunrise. And all throught this mansion, these people continue to prove that they're complete asses.

_(Brock exits. Lights up. Enter Nancy and Drew, and a blonde-headed boy.)_

**Hank: **I have to go now.

**Nancy:** Here's twenty. _(Hands him money.)_

**Hank:** _(Touched.)_ Thanks. Gee, thanks a lot. Usually it's ten, or even five. Would you like some green stamps?

**Nancy:** We have so many. Thanks anyway.

**Hank:** Gee, thanks. We at Hankco are pleased to have served you. Call again.

**Nancy:** We'll remember….Wait, didn't we ask for the number to the Grand Union? _(Shakes her head; it doesn't really matter now, anyway.)_

**Tara:** _(Offstage)_ Is that you, girls?

**Drew:** Yes, mother.

_(Tara enters on the arm of Brock.)_

**Nancy:** Mother, I'd like you to meet Hank. He's ehm…a classmate from that school Drew and I went to for a week in Switzerland.

**Tara:** Oh, how do you do, Hank. I've met several of your other classmates, I believe.

**Hank:** Yes. Well, I must be going. Excuse me. _(Exits.)_

**Nancy:** Goodbye.

**Tara: **_(Wistfully.) _I thought I heard three of you in there last night.

**Brock:** Maybe madame would like her room moved.

**Tara: **No, I like noises. As long as I know what they are. _(There is a scream offstage.)_ Like that. That's Jonas, Jr. discovering the dead body of his brother.

_(Enter Jonas.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **Mr. Monarch has hanged himself!

**Tara: **I was wrong. It was Mr. Monarch. Well, why do you think he did it? Another depth of depression case? Or did he just get carried away putting on his wings?

**Nancy:** Well, this comes as a surprise.

**Brock: **Colonel Gentleman predicted his death to me last night before retiring.

**Jonas, Jr.:** And he did nothing to prevent it?

**Brock: **He's a dying man. What could he do?

**Tara: **Is there any coffee, girls?

**Drew: **I think I'd like to sketch you sipping coffee. I'd call it Goddess Sipping Coffee While Awaiting the Death of Her Stepfather.

**Tara:** I like the goddess part.

**Nancy: **It would make a good greeting card.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Is no one going to do anything about the dead man?

**Brock: **I'll call the police…I guess…

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(Upset.)_ Wait. Give me the key to the Tower. I want to see Ms. Quymn.

**Brock: **The Monarch kept it around his neck. You can get it later. _(Exits.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **I fear I could have helped him last night, and I didn't…_(Enter Dr. Venture.)_ Rusty! Quick! Tell her!

**Tara:** Why, Rusty, you are here, after all. Girls, you know your father. Rusty, you've met the girls.

**Dr. Venture: **They've grown.

**Tara: **Nonsense, you've just gotten smaller.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Tell her! Tell her how you feel! Tell her…Tell her you hate her!

**Tara: **Rusty, you're remarkably silent after all these years. Have you nothing to say?

**Dr. Venture: **_(Monotone.)_ How was Europe.

**Tara: **Very pleasant. The girls had a nice puberty there. And such wonderful tans. Nancy, show Rusty your tan.

_(Nancy lifts her shirt unashamedly, showing her tanned stomach and chest, as well as a lacy blue brassire.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **Come on, Rusty! You can do it!

**Tara:** Rusty, can you not still this voice of conscience that keeps echoing throughout the room?

**Dr. Venture: **_(Kneeling to the floor.)_ Oh, Tara, I hate you. _(He caresses her, his head on her breast, she holds him.)_

**Tara: **Rusty, I'm touched. I had no idea that I still had power over you. Look, girls, your father's come home to roost.

**Jonas, Jr.:** I...I just don't understand you people! _(He runs out.)_

**Tara: **_(Tearing at the eyes.) _Oh, Rusty, we had good times, didn't we? Scurrying about the globe, knowing Dukes and Earls, heroes and villains? Do you remember how you met me? Besides when we were children, I mean; I hardly think it counts, do you? Anyway, you were just 24 and you went to your first brothel. I was just 21, and it was my first brothel as well. My first night. And I remember the Madame, Madame Cocktease, said to me, she said, "Tasha"—She got my name wrong, even then—"Tasha, you'll turn many a trick in your day, but you'll never turn one like your first one." And so my heart was aglow and you came up to me and in your still semiadolescent voice you said to me, "How much?" And I thought to myself that that was the most romantic thing I had ever heard. And so you and I retired to that little room with the cobwebs and the dank smell of urine and we sat on the bed. "Is this your first?" I asked, and when you said no I didn't believe you. "And is this your first?" you asked me, and when I said yes, you didn't believe me. And one of us was lying, and to this day I don't know which one it was, but I don't care, because the night air was so fragrant and love was so new, and we were so young. So very, very young. And then you began very methodically to take off my clothes, which were soaked in perspiration from my busy day and from so many other bodies. And then I bit off your buttons, one by one, and your eyes grew larger at every pop. And then I took off your pants. I was very young, you understand, and I had never seen a man, not even a statue of one because they didn't have museums in those days, and I wouldn't have gone even if they had. And so then your slender form got on top of my slender form and then—pump! Pump! PUMP! You pumped away, and I gave into my first experience of love—Oh! Oh! Ohhhhhh-Ohhhhhhh. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Uh. Uh. And then when it was all over, I got off of you, and I said, "Rusty Venture? Is that you?" And then I looked into your blue eyes—your eyes were blue then—and I said in the pale, frightened voice of a school girl, "Rusty, it is you I love." _(Pause.)_ Do you remember, Rusty? Rusty?_ (Kindly.)_ Girls, I think your father has fallen asleep._ (She lets go of Rusty, and he falls to the ground.) _Oh. Has he had a stroke? Do you think it's a stroke?

_(Enter Brock.)_

**Brock: **Hey, uh…your father is about to die. He wants to see you.

**Tara: **Oh, dear! Do I look all right?

**Nancy: **You look wonderful, mother!

**Drew: **Beautiful, dear.

**Tara:** Oh. Thank you. Help me, Brock.

_(Brock helps Tara hobble off.)_

**Nancy: **Why do you think father's so frail?

**Drew: **I don't know. All the diet pills, I suppose. Nancy?

**Nancy:** _(Knowing what's coming.) _Yes.

**Drew:** About last night. I felt sort of funny. I mean, I'm used to having a third in with us and all, but last night I got the feeling you preferred the Grand Union to me.

**Nancy: **Oh, for God's sake, are we going to go through this routine again? You're as bad as mother. You think you have to be worshipped all the time.

**Drew:** I don't want to be worshipped. I just want to know where we stand.

**Nancy:** Oh, I hate this. Drew, you're my sister, and I like you better than anyone except myself, but that doesn't mean I don't want a little variation from time to time. For Christ's sake.

**Drew: **I think you're promiscuous.

**Nancy:** Little hypocrite. Pot Luck was your game, anyway. You invented it.

**Drew: **Oh, go to hell.

**Nancy: **Don't take it so hard. My wanting a little variety doesn't mean I prefer that grocery boy to my own sister. Now, for God's sake, let's just forget about it.

**Drew:** _(Grudgingly.)_ All right.

_(They hug. Enter Ginnie with tea and graham crackers.)_

**Ginnie: **Oh, isn't that nice? Sisters hugging. Here, I've brought some tea for my beautiful girls. _(Noticing Dr. Venture; with a disgusted tone.) _What's the matter with your father?

**Nancy:** He's just tired.

**Drew:** It seems Grandad's about to kick off.

**Ginnie:** Is he now? Well, that'll be nice for him. No sense in senseless suffering, is there?

**Nancy: **No. By definition.

**Ginnie: **That'll make two deaths today, what with that awful Mr. Monarch bumping himself off. I never liked him, haven't for eight years, won't start now that he's dead. I'm no hypocrite. Hope he rots in hell.

**Drew:** He seemed a mean sort.

**Ginnie: **Oh, he was. Not a kind word for anybody. Certainly not for me. And such a slanderous tongue he had, and a filthy mind to boot. Do you know what I heard him say to Brock after setting eyes on you two?

**Nancy:**_ (Taking tea; Drew likewise.)_ No. What?

**Ginnie:** He said, those two is as queer as the day they was born. And he said that being queer was one thing, and that incest was another, but to combine the two was a truly appalling perversion. And right he was, and a sick mind he had to even think of such a thing. God bless his guardian angel for seeing that he hung himself. He's happier dead than alive brooding on such thoughts.

**Drew:** He had a sick imagination.

**Ginnie: **_(Coquette)_ And I said to myself, that even if you girls were acting funny together, it was only because the proper feminine companionship hadn't offered itself to you yet. I mean, after all, with your mother around all the time…Well, I can see how your dear little bodies would get pent up. We all have energies, and I hardly can see her being sympathetic to your cause. And as I said, incest…well, it's too much. But I thought, seeing how much I like both of you…_(She starts to undo her blouse.) _I might be able to help you both over this little hump in your lives. If you follow my meaning. _(Ginnie's blouse is completely open now. She wears a flimsy bra.)_ When you speak of this, and knowing you two like I do, you probably will be kind. Right?

**Drew: **Oh my God.

**Nancy: **Aack.

_(One or both of them throw their tea on her chest. She screams piercingly.)_

**Ginnie: **AAAAHH! You little whores!

**Drew:** Go run 'em under the tap, love.

**Ginnie: **May Saint Peter piss on your graves! _(She exits; enter Jonas , Jr.)_

**Jonas, Jr.: **What's the matter? Who's hurt?

**Nancy:** Ginnie sat on a tack.

**Jonas, Jr.:** What's the matter with Rusty? _(Upset.)_

**Drew:** I'd forgotten. Mother thinks he might have had a stroke.

**Jonas, Jr.: **A stroke! Did anyone call a doctor?

**Nancy: **A minute ago you left frustrated with him. You're not very consistent.

**Jonas, Jr.: **Oh, you knew what I meant.

_(Enter Tara, helped by Brock.)_

**Tara: **Girls, your grandfather has just died. He's left all his money to me, and he wishes all of us ill. He was a mean-spirited man all his life, and remained so to the end.

**Jonas, Jr.:** Brock, call a doctor for my brother.

**Tara: **It is not necessary. Rusty's dead, too. I felt his spirit leaving him right in the middle of my remembered youth.

**Jonas, Jr.: **_(Crying.)_ He's all the family I have! He's all I have!

**Tara: **He's all you _had_. You see, Jonas, only the strong survive. I'm amazed that Rusty lasted as long as he did. I think your strength kept him alive for a while; for although I don't like you, you do have some freaky retard strength. But I guess it wasn't enough, and now he's dead. Besides, what do you call the family you stole away from Professor Impossible waiting for you back at Spider Skull Island? Not family enough for you, eh?

**Jonas, Jr: **_(Completely missed her jibe.)_ What do I do?

**Tara: **Leave my sight forever. Attach yourself elsewhere. And remember, I've crushed a man's spirit, not to mention life, before._ (Coughs "Rusty".)_ Don't tempt me to do it again. _(She sits.)_ Come, Drew. Sketch your mother in mourning. Nancy, write a poem about your mother in grief. _(Brock removes Dr. Venture's body. Jonas, Jr., distraught, exits.)_ It will have been an emotionally exhausting day, I fear.

_(Blackout.)_

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Thanks for sticking with it! Only 2 more scenes to go...! Please leave feedback! Love.


	6. Scene 6

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Dear Reader, Thanks for stumbling upon this little story, the result of summer boredom coupled with two of my obsessions: The Venture Bros. and theatre. As I state in the title, this is based on a Christopher Durang play, which I suggest you read someday if you haven't already. This is also based on characters from the [adult swim] show The Venture Bros. (which belongs to Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer). Which, I hope if you've gotten this far, you've seen before. I tend to think of this as kind of an Alternate-Reality thing; a might have been. But a few things are the same; The Monarch still yells everything, and is still wearing his wings (even with his stuffy uniform). Brock still plays everything cool. I'm not sure what else to say...So...here goes!

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Death Comes To Us All, Queen Etherea

Based on a play by Christopher Durang, "Death Comes To Us All, Mary Agnes"

_Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance)_

_**Ginnie**, a maid_

_**The Monarch**, Colonel Gentleman's secretary_

_**Brock**, the butler_

_**Dr. Venture**, son of Jonas Venture and superscientist (a bit of a failure)_

_***Jonas Venture, Jr.**, twin brother of Dr. Venture, an superscientist (a successful one)_

_***Mrs. Quymn**__, wife of Colonel Gentleman, and mother of Tara Gentleman-Quymn_

_**Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn**, a lady-adventurer and a bit of a scientist herself. Beautiful and vain. Ex-wife of Dr. Venture_

_**Nancy Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. A twin._

_**Drew Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. The other twin._

_**Dean**, a delivery boy for Hankco_

_**Queen Etherea**, a woman who claims to be Brock's niece._

_**Hank**, another delivery boy for Hankco_

_(* denotes characters in this sene)_

_Scene 6_

_Jonas, Jr., distraught, runs to Ms. Quymn in the tower, the last remaining childhood memory (in easy reach, at least…)_

**Jonas, Jr.:** Ms. Quymn! Ms. Quymn! They're both dead! And I…Oh, please, be lucid! I know you're just pretending to be crazy. _(He unties her hands.) _Ms. Quymn, say something. What should I do? I don't feel strong anymore. Say something. Don't you remember when Rusty and I were little boys? Your maid made us cookies the day you went crazy, and you said, "Rusty, whenever things get you down, just have a nice glass of milk and a couple of cookies." And then, right after that, you went crazy. Do you remember? Ms. Quymn, say something. Please, say something!

**Ms. Quymn: **_(Shrieking.) _DON'T DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE!

_(She reaches out to Jonas and strangles him to death. Then she exits, calmly. Blackout.)_

_

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_

I'm afraid this scene may come as a bit of a cop-out, but it was orginally part of another scene...due to the messing around of characters that I did, it felt more natural to make this its own, veryveryvery short scene. Please review, and as always, thanks for reading.


	7. Scene 7

Dear Reader, Thanks for stumbling upon this little story, the result of summer boredom coupled with two of my obsessions: The Venture Bros. and theatre. As I state in the title, this is based on a Christopher Durang play, which I suggest you read someday if you haven't already. This is also based on characters from the [adult swim] show The Venture Bros. (which belongs to Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer). Which, I hope if you've gotten this far, you've seen before. I tend to think of this as kind of an Alternate-Reality thing; a might have been. But a few things are the same; The Monarch still yells everything, and is still wearing his wings (even with his stuffy uniform). Brock still plays everything cool. I'm not sure what else to say...So...here goes!

* * *

Death Comes To Us All, Queen Etherea

Based on a play by Christopher Durang, "Death Comes To Us All, Mary Agnes"

_Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance)_

_**Ginnie**, a maid_

_**The Monarch**, Colonel Gentleman's secretary_

_**Brock**, the butler_

_**Dr. Venture**, son of Jonas Venture and superscientist (a bit of a failure)_

_**Jonas Venture, Jr.**, twin brother of Dr. Venture, an superscientist (a successful one)_

_**Mrs. Quymn**__, wife of Colonel Gentleman, and mother of Tara Gentleman-Quymn_

_***Mrs. Gentleman-Quymn**, a lady-adventurer and a bit of a scientist herself. Beautiful and vain. Ex-wife of Dr. Venture_

_***Nancy Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. A twin._

_***Drew Venture**, daughter of Dr. Venture and Tara Gentleman-Quymn. The other twin._

_**Dean**, a delivery boy for Hankco_

_**Queen Etherea**, a woman who claims to be Brock's niece._

_**Hank**, another delivery boy for Hankco_

_(* denotes characters in this sene)_

_Scene 7_

_Back with Tara and the girls, who are where we left them at the end of Scene 5. _

**Drew: **Don't move, mother. I can't sketch you.

**Nancy: **I think you should get rid of Uncle Jonas.

**Tara: **Whatever you think best, my dears. You know, as your grandfather died, he called me evil. And he said he was evil. But I don't think people are evil, really. I think we're all misguided. I mean, everybody wants love. That was Mr. Monarch's problem. He wanted money. If he wanted love instead, think how happy he would have been. Everyone has the right to expect love. Everyone wants love. What's that famous poem? "It's love, it's love, it's love."Of course, everyone can't have love. Take your father. I was never meant to love him. He was a well-meaning thing, most of the time, I think, but I had you girls, and my own life. Your uncle is a freak. Oh well. It's been a hard day, but we can relax tonight, and tomorrow we'll return to the continent. This house has too many memories.

**Nancy: **_(Looking at Drew.) _Do you want anything from the supermarket?

**Tara: **_(Afraid.)_ I'm sure there's plenty in the kitchen.

**Nancy: **_(To Drew.) _Do you?

**Drew:** _(Angry.)_ What's the matter with leftovers?

**Nancy:** Leftovers are nice and cozy and a comfort, but fresh food adds spice to any table.

**Tara: **_(Sadly.) _Children, mother hates metaphor.

**Drew: **_(To Nancy)_ Very well. But not Grand Union. Is this understood?

**Nancy: **Suits me. We haven't tried the Stop 'n' Shop.

**Tara:** Maybe East Haddam doesn't have a Stop 'n' Shop.

**Drew:** All right. We can phone from upstairs. _(They start to exit.)_

**Tara: **I'm sure there's plenty of food in the kitchen.

**Nancy: **_(Smiling.)_ The food in the kitchen is burned.

**Drew:** See you later, mother. _(They exit.)_

**Tara: **Goodnight, my twins. Rejoice in being two. For lonliness is a terrible thing. _(To herself.)_ My children are so artistic. Wonderful children of a wonderful mother. I can't help feeling sorry, though, that they're not really a bit nicer. Of course I'm not all that nice either, I suppose, by some people's standards. But I don't think one should criticize. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Christ said. So they tell me. Ah, Nancy, Drew. So lucky to be two. I even rather wish Rusty was alive tonight. Oh well. One does the best one can. That's what I always say. And if you're lonely one moment, you forget it the next, so it couldn't be too bad, because you forget it. Yes. I think that's the way it is.

_(Sings softly to herself, fade out. End.)_

This is the end. Thanks for reading, hope you ejoyed. Comment!

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